Hello Moto(way)

Travelling between Bristol and London means a long straight 100 mile (or so) stretch of motorway... nothing to do but drive and contemplate the deeper meaning of life... or sing along to the radio.

The weather was fantastic and it was noticeable that everyone was driving with a little more verve than usual, and that got me thinking about those unwritten rules of the roads. Our very own highway code that we've all just learnt from experience.

As my journey went on I kept thinking of more and more things that we just expect to happen, and when they did I did the typically British thing of tutting in my car, and/or shouting at the car violating the rules with no hope of them hearing me. So I thought I'd give you a run down on some of the top ones that I encountered today. I'm also going to throw in a few tips on how to make the journey bearable... in no particular order of course!

• Dreaded slow inclines - Coming round the M25 there is a stretch of motorway at Reigate that has a slight but steady incline. You don't think anything of it when you start trundling up it... and then you remember you're driving a 1.2. At this point you should start leaning forward willing the speedo to stop slowing down, when that doesn't work you should start bouncing in your seat because it will honestly help you get the car moving quicker. (Don't fight my logic.)
• Diverging roads on the motorway - You take a turning on a normal road and everyone is fine, you have five lanes to play with on the motorway and suddenly everyone wants to jump ahead and cut in at the last minute. The appropriate response is to slowly close gaps and glare slightly at the people trying to cut back in. The appropriate verbal response is "oh hell no" when someone tries to cut back in, and "don't you dare let him in" at the person in front when they slow enough to leave a car nose to sneak in. Don't be THAT GUY who pulls in at the last moment.
• When to stop at the services - You're driving along and somewhere in your brain is the thought "hmm, I might need to pee soon." Don't ignore that thought. Like when you go on a night out and break the seal early... thinking you might need to pee on a long car journey has the same effect. Stop at the next services... or you will regret it.
• The radio, your enemy - Most of the time I listen to Kiss FM, the only trouble with this is that half way down the M4 you lose signal. To help combat this my pre-sets are programmed with the same channels on slightly different frequencies. I still get a bit of a blind spot around Reading but it saves on the channel surfing!
• Convertibles on the motorway - Or anywhere for that matter. It's lovely that you can afford one and have the desire to drive a tin can with a roll top roof... the appropriate response is to hope that a bird poops over it or it starts to rain when they're driving at speed... because those babies don't close when you're moving. Not bitter, despite the way it sounds... I'm just always wondering why a roof down at 70mph is sensible.
• Courtesy on the road - Now it isn't very often that I'm nice to bicycles and motorbikes, but that changes on the motorway. If I'm pootling along in traffic and there's a motorbike coming I'll steer aside slightly... there's no point being a dick about it, they're going to try and get past you, you might as well let them so they don't dink your car trying.
• Speed limits and you - I honestly think that everyone on the road has decided that 10mph above the actual speed limit is what will now be taken as the actual speed limit. What we can all agree on though is that if you're driving under 60 on the motorway in optimal weather conditions you should stay to the left... for everyone's sanity.
• Eye contact, the silent embarrassment - Making eye contact when in slow moving traffic is quite possibly one of the most awkward things on a long stretch of road. Unless you're very lucky you'll just end up alongside each other every few minutes and then be obliged to exchange those knowing and annoyed looks at the ever growing line of traffic.
• Overtaking, the hesitator's peril - If you think you're going to need to overtake someone, remember to keep an eye open for handy gaps. Leave it until the last minute and you'll be forced to watch as the five cars behind you manage to pull out and go round both of you... causing you to be annoyed knowing that everyone thinks you're the one driving slowly.
• Drifter, make sure it's just a chocolate bar - Indicators, aren't just an annoying sound inside your car when you use them... they help other drivers know that you're going to be darting out in front of them at the last minute causing them to break quickly. Don't be a drifter.
• Dawdling, or how to induce rage in other road users - In certain situations a decisive nature is needed, and indeed appreciated by those around you. First thing in the morning for example, when you're gazing in the rear view mirror checking if you maybe should have shaved or seeing if you remembered to put eyeliner on. While you're looking in said mirror you fail to notice that the line of traffic you've been sitting in at the red light has started to move... but you haven't. Mornings aren't everyone's cup of tea, we understand that, have the decency to not dawdle at lights... because you'll skirt through on amber as it's about to change to red and we'll be stuck cursing you for the rest of the day. Thank you for making our lives just that bit more annoying first thing in the morning.

While I'm sure there are plenty of other unwritten rules about driving that I haven't covered, those were the ones I encountered while out and about. Probably these are just my own pet peeves so please feel free to let me know your own. I hope you've picked up a few pointers, and I'm sorry if you've realised that sometimes you can be an arse when out on the road (just like the rest of us can be)... but hey, we all have bad days.

Safe driving everyone.