My Life As A RomCom

So I'm the main character in this epic piece of celluloid mastery. I'm beautiful [well duh!] but quirky, a genius at computers, cooking, writing, singing, interior design... well it's a film so I'm fantastic at everything... but with one endearing quality, I'm clumsy. I'm constantly spilling beverages on attractive men who aren't in the least bit annoyed after they've looked up from their stained item of clothing and seen my fantastically shiny flowing hair... unless it's one of those times you're running for a taxi and you both bump together while going for the door... in which case your hair has neatly curled itself into little ringlets and you have one strand that's flown to your cheek that you'll move away from your face when you decide to share the cab and flirtily smile at each other.

I'll decide to go shopping a lot, I don't sensibly get my groceries delivered I will walk to the nearest shop and then buy slightly more items than I can physically carry. But not to fear... just as I feel a bag falling to the floor there will be, you guessed it, an attractive man who manages to catch the bag just before it hits the floor or in the case of fruit and veg will stop that last orange from rolling away with his foot. At this point, as I've been scrabbling across the floor arm outstretched I'll stop and look up, smile and probably say something ditsy like "Wow" instead of thank you and then quickly add it in to cover.

When I get ready for a night out I throw everything from my wardrobe in disgust until I find the perfect outfit hidden in the depths, and would you believe it, it matches perfectly with the handbag my friend has which is just as well because I didn't have any accessories that go. The dress will of course be slightly too short so that I can tug at it gently as I walk into the bar where I'm supposed to meet my friends. Of course they won't have arrived yet but the action will get me spotted by an attractive guy. Wait! Is that the guy who I spilled coffee on? No, it's the one who caught my shopping!

I'll at some point get take away, which will get delivered to my flat. I will of course answer the door in cutesy pjs and have my hair loosely thrown up in a bun. I'll have "no make up", by which I mean I'll have flawless foundation, perfect mascara with dusky eye shadow and a smidge of peachy lip gloss. All this is very handy because as I hand over the exact money and generous tip to the delivery guy an attractive man comes bounding up the stairs in gym gear with a sheen of sweat. Surprisingly he moved in next door and I hadn't noticed. He says hi, I say hi. We have a brief chat and I discover he only moved in today and doesn't have any food. It's very handy then that I ordered extra for tomorrow's lunch [yeah right!], I was going to eat it all tonight by myself because I'm feeling slightly lost that I'm single and everyone is getting married... but we can't let him know that.

I'll have a lunch with my girlfriends and we'll talk about the attractive man. We'll chat and someone at the table will reveal that they know the attractive man, or he will of course be related to one of them. It will then come out that said attractive man has been in love with me "since forever". He also will have done something selfless for me despite the fact that it meant he couldn't have me, it probably drove me in to the arms of another man. I'll spend a few minutes denying that any of that is true while all the facts mull over in my head until I realise the truth.

At this point I will know I love him back, but then... disaster... "but he's going to ask his girlfriend to marry him in 20 minutes down the street at that glamourous hotel."... "but he's leaving for the congo in 20 minutes to join doctors without borders for three years." I will run to my car, I'll probably drop the keys at least once, before getting in and drive to the destination. Everywhere I've been in a car up until this point I have been able to get a parking space right outside, it's big enough to park in even if I owned a large 4x4 but I probably have a Beetle in some pastel colour. Right at this moment though, there'll be no space, I'll drive four cars down... I'm outraged, I've never had to park this far away from anywhere before. I see a space but someone drives across a row of traffic and steals it. The next space is restricted but this is an emergency so I abandon my car at a jaunty angle. I run to him and out of breath I confront him before the disastrous moment... breathlessly we look at each other and we just know, we embrace and kiss and everyone cheers. Of course I don't have to worry about getting my car ticketed or towed as the person who was about to catch me sees the scene of love and rips up the ticket and throws it in the air.

And you know how it goes... "and they all lived happily ever after. The end."